Crime doesn’t pay
Crime Simulator opens with the kind of premise that perfectly sums up the experience: you’re dumped back into the world with debt nipping at your ankles and a shady mentor whispering that the only way out is to steal everything that isn’t nailed down. The game wastes no time nudging you toward a life of burglary, sabotage, and the occasional loud mistake. It’s a scrappy, clumsy, sometimes brilliant little heist playground.
Players are free to run solo or bring up to three friends, and playing with others is where the chaos really sings. A well-planned break-in can turn into slapstick disaster the moment someone mistimes a step or forgets to disable a camera. Even with the game’s rough edges, co-op feels like the kind of mess you tell stories about later, in a good way though.
MSRP: $14.99
Platforms: Xbox (reviewed), PlayStation, PC
Price I’d Pay: $14.99
Crime Simulator leans heavily on improvisation. Missions take you through neighborhoods full of houses, stores, storage units, and semi-patrolled zones. Sometimes you slip in through a cracked window, snag the goods, and ghost out like a pro. Other times the AI catches a flicker of movement and suddenly everyone in the building seems to know exactly where you are. When the stealth systems behave, the tension is fantastic: holding your breath as you slide open a drawer or watching guard patterns like a hawk. When they don’t behave, it can feel like the alarms are psychic.
What keeps the loop interesting is the toolbox. Lockpicks, crowbars, scanners, silencers and drones; it’s a buffet of questionable life choices. Unlocking new skills and gear gives each job a slightly different flavor. Even returning to the same neighborhood carries a sense of unpredictability thanks to shifting loot spots and guard patrols. It’s the small adjustments that keep the game from collapsing into repetition too quickly.
All that being said, the early game is rough if you’re flying solo. Money comes in small drips, tools break, fines pile up, and one bad run can knock you several steps backward. The progression system clearly expects you to grind, which can turn the fantasy of becoming a master thief into something that feels more like part-time work. What sticks out most to me though is how much this game feel like Thief Simulator 2 but with multiplayer. The hideout has terminals where the player can access jobs, sell stolen goods and more; all of which is in TS2. But Crime Simulator feels like an inferior version in some ways, polish being a big one (I’ll get into it later) but Crime Simulator doesn’t put the addresses of location on the minimap which makes it way more difficult to find.
The other weak spot is stability and polish. AI occasionally wigs out. Loot sometimes refuses to register. A few missions feel like they’re glued together by optimism. None of this breaks the game completely, but depending on your patience, the jank can either be charming or exhausting. I am known to appreciate some jank but I will say that even my patience was being tested with this one.
Crime Simulator on Xbox is far from polished, and the jank is noticeable, but the heart of the game; planning a heist, sweating through the tension, pulling it off against the odds; is genuinely satisfying if you are playing with friends. And while Co-op elevates it, solo play tests your patience, and the whole thing feels like a deliciously unstable tower of theft, luck, and questionable decisions.
Review copy of game provided by publisher.
